in which my career singing for God has been put on hold...

Larry Campbell, my erstwhile spiritual adviser has always been a considerable nuisance, if not a downright source of annoyance for me. I both eagerly seek and try to ignore most of his advice. Yes, it is a strange relationship, but not in the least strained.
He has that awful ability to say "NO" when I really want him to say "YES". I am always aware of this flaw in his support before I even seek his counsel, but I still seek him out and ask for direction. A perfect example of his succinct declarations to me is perhaps in order.
I asked him for advice on my love life with a woman I love and adore, but somehow seem to agitate and anger regularly...in fact I cause her some considerable hurt at times and he offers this advise.
"Stop being Stupid"
I didn't like to hear that and initially tried to laugh it off, but given some reflection, it is sage counsel for sure. Since that time I have done my best to not be stupid, and the waters of my love affair have been relatively unrippled.

But I will hurry back to the proposed topic of this musing...singing for the Lord.
A few months back I was feeling deeply inhibited by the restrictions placed on performing gospel music with the congregation I attended. I do not think I come off looking particularly modest in my objections, but I think they have some merit.
I like to close my eyes and deliver when I sing for the Lord, at times even smile, and allow my "self" to be present. By self I mean all that I can earnestly offer from my singing ability and life experience and desire to praise HIM in the best way I can. In many congregations this is of course frowned on, particularly in the church I was attending and the experience of being told what to sing and how to sing it soured me on doing it regularly.
There is a strong argument to support the stance of the church on this...including a lack of humility on my part, that I should realize that I am only there to guide the congregation through familiar ground and it is not the time to step outside any established arrangements. It is certainly no place for any kind of soulful singing or self involvement. Hmm...
So I decided to do some small gospel concerts in the common room of the complex I live in, and perhaps even say a few words in between songs. I asked Larry, my erstwhile spiritual adviser about this thought. To my utter dismay he said if I intend to speak I must PREPARE! Prepare?? ME? PREPARE? I'd rather take gas...

Once again he set me off to pondering with this outrageous (to me) suggestion, and I decided he is probably right. I have been studying the Bible and Theology and anything I can get my hands on to help prepare. So far all I have to show for this effort is a muddled over taxed brain filled with half understood insight and very little concrete material to incorporate supposing I decide to open my mouth and say anything beyond "this next song etc". So my gospel career is on hold while I study and sort and absorb and dismiss stacks of material.
I don't blame Larry. He has my best interest and the common good in mind and I do not dismiss his advice out of hand no matter how distasteful I find it.
So for now, I study and try to get used to the notion that my tendency to improvise has got to be supported by preparation and prayer. Who knew?