Musical Biohazards...

I have long been amused by the "bios" which are common to musical acts or artists for promotional purposes. Aside from the confusing pigeon-holing comments such as "A cross between Dan Fogelberg and Tim Robbins" or "Reminiscent of early Doorstops or late Sweater Kittens"....the thing that makes me smile the most is the inevitable 'has opened for such artists as' section.
This is where the name dropping gets downright ludicrous. A festival appearance where a local act played Thursday's opening afternoon will be linked to an international headliner who packed them in on Saturday night. Or a gig twenty years before with someone who has gone on to celebrity will be hauled out as an indication of the standing of the act in the bio. Using these as guidelines, I guess I could say I opened for Stevie Ray Vaughn,(two days before)...played with the Barenaked Ladies,(songwriting workshop at the Peg Folk Fest as a sideman for Bob King) I could claim that Lyle Lovatt opened for me once, tho he nearly shut me down forever with his show.
So what is to be done about this burning issue?
Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn...
It's five am on a Sunday morning and I have nothing better to do.
Oh, I suppose I could do my own bio as an honest example.

A one time mid-level regional celebrity of sorts, Byron has been successfully confusing audiences for over thirty years with his combination of mediocre guitar work, suspect songwriting, and often drunken vocal performances. His work has been deeply influenced by drugs & alcohol, shaped by a total indifference to practicing and the attention span of a two year old. He finds inspiration when he trips over it, often calling upon his penchant for ruining relationships and aggravating women to supply the fodder for his canons. His latest efforts show a pronounced deterioration in his work ethic and professionalism to the point where he will not even get fully clothed for video shoots.
Throughout his tedious and unsuccessful career he has listened to such great artists as Ray Charles, Leonard Cohen and Bonnie Raitt, but it didn't help.
He now resides in Drydock Ontario, where he has found that no one will pay a dime to hear him.

And so it goes....