Off White & the Seven Deadly Dwarf Bear Pillows of Wisdom

In ancient times, Saligia, the Crown Prince of No Known Virtues needed to choose a bride. Unable to decide on any of the maidens at court, he elected to seek the counsel of his Grandmother Advisera. To accomplish this Saligia journeyed for seven days and seven nights thru the wilderness to speak with her. Advisera, a very wise woman, told Saligia to make the return journey to No Known Virtues, and to leave a trail of sweets the entire way.
"Seek out all the virgins in the Kingdom and give each of them a taste of my sweets. If she is the chosen one, she will follow the trail back to my tent and you will know she is to be your bride. For her protection and sleeping comfort have her accompanied by the seven dwarf bears who guard your rolled oats."
Saligia was puzzled by her instructions and asked his grandmother how the seven dwarf bears could possibly offer comfort to his choice of bride to be.
"A true Princess will not rest her head on the same pillow a second time so each bear in turn can provide a soft place for her head...one for each night's sleeping. Have the bears make careful note of her comments each morning for they too shall help determine her suitability."
And so it was that the Prince searched the length and breadth of No Known Virtues for a bride, but to no avail. Every comely maiden of promise spat out his grandmother's sweets. After months of this fruitless quest he found himself passing the castle of an ugly step-sister when his eye was captured by a cascade of shimmering golden tresses coming from a tower window, reaching nearly to the ground.
He decided to visit his ugly step sister and find out who the golden hair out belonged to.
"She is a serving girl I purchased at the local Odd Cam 'o Lots Bargain Shoppe. Her name is Guinderpunzeldiva, his step-sister replied, and I cannot get her to do a lick of work. Truly, I wish someone would take her off my hands. She carries on like some sort of Princess, always complaining that someone has peed on her mattress or demanding someone to read riddles to her or riding naked thru town on her horse. It's embarrassing!"
Saligia asked to meet this strange girl and he found her to be most comely indeed. He offered her his last sweet and she gobbled it down with much smacking of lips and oohing.
"Is there more? Tell me there is more!" she cried.
"You must seek out the rest for yourself," the Prince replied, "for that was my last piece and I have no more. He continued, "I see you have but one shoe, so I will loan you one of mine so you can visit me at the castle tonight. There I will tell you how to find more of the sweets. We'll have a ball, and cook is making pumpkin pies. But please, wear something."
Guinderpunzeldiva was very happy to hear this, and promised to attend fully clothed.
And so it came to pass that Guinderpunzeldiva set out on the sweet trail to Advisera's tent. Each night she got down from her horse, put some clothing on and grabbed one of the seven dwarf bears to be her pillow. And every morning she complained that her pillow was too hot or too cold and vowed to try another bear for her next sleep. She proved to have an uncanny nose for the sweets, and surely led the caravan from one to the next, every day getting closer to Advisera's tent. Although the bears felt belittled by her complaints, they marvelled at her ability to lead them steadily closer to their goal. Along the way they had many wondrous adventures including Guinderpunzeldiva finding a missing sword at the bottom of a lake, pulling another one out of a stone, blowing down some straw huts that the piggish local peasants had erected, finding a picnic basket and a red cape, teaching the bears how to cook rolled oats, and slaying a dragon with her incredible sense of humour.
Finally they arrived at the tent of Advisera who as it turned out was in her front yard busily making more sweets in a large kettle hung over an open fire.
"So my pretty, you have come for more sweets!" She cackled, laying a golden egg.
"Come closer, my pretty and let me look at you. How far back down the trail is the bottom of your hair, and where are your clothes? No worry, you won't need them where you are going....Into My Kettle!"
Guinderpunzeldiva was suddenly very afraid and tried to run away but the weight of her hair and the mismatched shoes made her trip and she fell at the edge of a pond where her lips rested on a frog who had surfaced to see what all the cackling was about. Suddenly the frog became Prince Saligia who grabbed one of her newly found swords and smote and did smite a mighty blow to his Evil Grandmother, severing her head and sending it flying into the boiling kettle of sweets.
"I now see how she plotted against me, and no more shall she sour this Kingdom with her sweets!"
So Saligia swept Guindeerpunzeldiva into his arms and kissed her until she fell into a deep sleep.
"I shall forever call you Off White," he proclaimed, but she didn't hear him.
"Even though we are not the purest virgin I've ever met, you will surely do!"
And so they lived happily for quite awhile, although Off White never did awaken.
THE END.

(This story was written on a dare from Ed, my friendly editor from out west. I was butchering the Goldilocks story with extraneous unrelated nonsense and she dared me to keep going, and now I have. I would like to point out that she has in no way edited this rambling)