Male Domesticity:The Genius of Everyday Living
Like all men there are moments when I doubt my own genius, but those moments quickly pass. I offer as...
Exhibit A:
My battle with the heat wave here in the Wilderness City. I have no air conditioning, but I am a habitually early riser with a two week new 18" oscillating four foot high whisper smooth pedestal fan from Wal-Mart.($18.88 since the rollback) When I rise (3:00 to 4:00 am), I immediately open wide the balcony doors and allow the natural air flow plus the efforts of the new fan to send great surges of cool air into the living room. I use the oven exhaust fan in the kitchen nook to suck the warm air up and out and by engaging the venting fan in the bathroom I assure a steady exhalation of the warmer air. But wait! There's more!
A careful scientific study of the flow patterns(either a lit cigarette or damp nakedness will provide an accurate measure)in combination with the clever angling of various cupboard and closet doors can send this blessed cool air anywhere in the apartment! The minute the sun starts to warm the outside, I shut everything up tight and I am relatively cool until the early evening. Simple, crude, and effective. Hear me ROAR!
By the way, not one strip of duct tape is needed for this procedure. As an added bonus I can cook for an hour or so in the early hours with no appreciable loss of coolant.
Yesterday I hung a painting with no puckering anywhere in my body. Why? Because it was cool! And if the electrical outlet covering six inches below it didn't have a ten degree list to starboard it would even appear straight. I would level the outlet cover, but electricity scares the crap out of me ever since "The Incident".
Don't ask...
Exhibit B:
I live in a block with many senior ladies of fine breeding and impeccable manners so a simple maneuver like leaving towels in the dryer will result in a neatly folded stack by the time I retrieve them a day or so later. Pure genius or what? They know the towels are mine alright...none of them match.
Exhibit C:
I find that mailing myself perfumed cards in flowing script makes me somewhat more intriguing to all my mail box neighbours. The BIG G strikes again! Now if I can only find a way to weasel my way into the every second Saturday pot luck dinner without playing cribbage or scrabble I will have it made. I suspect that a batch or two of red hot chili will release me from the obligation to contribute to the meal. Anyway, this is still a plot in progress at this point.
Exhibit D:
Nothing cleans a spotted bathroom mirror like shaving cream. To save wastage I simply wipe up the extra cream which invariably winds up in a non shaving area such as the lower neck, or that lands on my upper chest do to an overloaded blade and smear it directly onto the glass. A quick circular motion with two sheets of toilet paper and we are talking Hilton House Suites. And it contributes a pleasant manly aroma to the wash basin area as well. Voila!
Exhibit E:
The first piece of cutlery used can serve as a coffee stirring implement for the rest of the day. Just use the handle poetion for stirring and you have saved a whole spoon washing. This simple habit can add up to 365 spoons a year, an environmentaly friendly gesture as well as a cost saving and convenience. Isn't that amazing!
Well there you have it somnambulant readers...a little insight into the world of Byron O'Donnell Bachelor at Large
Exhibit A:
My battle with the heat wave here in the Wilderness City. I have no air conditioning, but I am a habitually early riser with a two week new 18" oscillating four foot high whisper smooth pedestal fan from Wal-Mart.($18.88 since the rollback) When I rise (3:00 to 4:00 am), I immediately open wide the balcony doors and allow the natural air flow plus the efforts of the new fan to send great surges of cool air into the living room. I use the oven exhaust fan in the kitchen nook to suck the warm air up and out and by engaging the venting fan in the bathroom I assure a steady exhalation of the warmer air. But wait! There's more!
A careful scientific study of the flow patterns(either a lit cigarette or damp nakedness will provide an accurate measure)in combination with the clever angling of various cupboard and closet doors can send this blessed cool air anywhere in the apartment! The minute the sun starts to warm the outside, I shut everything up tight and I am relatively cool until the early evening. Simple, crude, and effective. Hear me ROAR!
By the way, not one strip of duct tape is needed for this procedure. As an added bonus I can cook for an hour or so in the early hours with no appreciable loss of coolant.
Yesterday I hung a painting with no puckering anywhere in my body. Why? Because it was cool! And if the electrical outlet covering six inches below it didn't have a ten degree list to starboard it would even appear straight. I would level the outlet cover, but electricity scares the crap out of me ever since "The Incident".
Don't ask...
Exhibit B:
I live in a block with many senior ladies of fine breeding and impeccable manners so a simple maneuver like leaving towels in the dryer will result in a neatly folded stack by the time I retrieve them a day or so later. Pure genius or what? They know the towels are mine alright...none of them match.
Exhibit C:
I find that mailing myself perfumed cards in flowing script makes me somewhat more intriguing to all my mail box neighbours. The BIG G strikes again! Now if I can only find a way to weasel my way into the every second Saturday pot luck dinner without playing cribbage or scrabble I will have it made. I suspect that a batch or two of red hot chili will release me from the obligation to contribute to the meal. Anyway, this is still a plot in progress at this point.
Exhibit D:
Nothing cleans a spotted bathroom mirror like shaving cream. To save wastage I simply wipe up the extra cream which invariably winds up in a non shaving area such as the lower neck, or that lands on my upper chest do to an overloaded blade and smear it directly onto the glass. A quick circular motion with two sheets of toilet paper and we are talking Hilton House Suites. And it contributes a pleasant manly aroma to the wash basin area as well. Voila!
Exhibit E:
The first piece of cutlery used can serve as a coffee stirring implement for the rest of the day. Just use the handle poetion for stirring and you have saved a whole spoon washing. This simple habit can add up to 365 spoons a year, an environmentaly friendly gesture as well as a cost saving and convenience. Isn't that amazing!
Well there you have it somnambulant readers...a little insight into the world of Byron O'Donnell Bachelor at Large
posted by Byron | 6:18 AM
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