Tainted, Moi?

In a fit of madness, I took a break from stitching up my recently re-torn heart, called another woman acquaintance and asked her out on a date. "Don't wallow, Byron," I said to myself."Jump right back into the tight jean pool." At the sound of the word date, she audibly stiffened on the phone. (ok ok give me this one)
"I cannot date you because you are a married man." Rather than scrambling through my shambled papers for my latest (don't ask) divorce decree, I simply replied..."Huh?"
She explained that she is a devout Catholic so I am still considered married despite all my court approved paperwork to the contrary. Being a logical sort, I said that I must also be a bigamist since I have been married twice. I would have appreciated a laugh for that line, but stony silence was all that was offered. "Well, you have no sense of humour," I wanted to shout into the phone, but I didn't.
Now this is a new one. I have had many females refuse my sullen advances with great imagination, but this was a fresh defense. Women have claimed everything under the sun to get out of dating me, the best probably being a woman who said she was having a leg amputated later that day, therefore couldn't make it out for a moonlit stroll on the beach. No wait, I think it was a young girl who insisted that she had decided to murder someone that very night and she did not want me to be the victim. Damn thoughtful really. I felt there was some room to maneuver there.
Through all this female rejection, sometimes not as subtle as my examples, I have always emerged feeling fairly unsoiled and still fit for human consumption. And I really don't have much of a beef with the Catholic church, not that I don't wish damnation on some of their representatives for their moral corruption. I will even admit I have a bit of a weak spot for some of their pageantry and pomp, which can be a lot like watching a royal wedding, and a smokin' hot Audrey Hepburn in the Nuns Story almost sent me into the cloistered life, but all that obedience required cooled my enthusiasm plus some quick research made it clear that it would not be co-ed.
But this very morning I feel tainted. I have to be removed from the Catholic bachelor shelves and I don't see anyway of avoiding a recall. Hell, I don't even get to confess my shame at my condition. I guess this is my confession booth.
Forgive me Audrey, for I have sinned. I entered a state of holy matrimony twice and then to compound this breach of holy protocol I asked a Catholic woman for a date.
Lord have mercy!