Random thoughts:May not be suitable for discerning readers.

I am told that Jennifer Lawrence has uneven breasts. Welcome to the club, Jenny. Hey..I thought that's what training bras were for. I mean what other training could budding breasts possibly need? I once tried to sneak in an order for one on our family's semi-annual shopping from the Sears catalogue...hoping it would help me understand and navigate those mysterious clasps...but my parents spotted it and gave me ten whacks of traditional hormonal therapy with the family belt. On a related note, at the age of thirteen, in a darkened theater, I once fondled a young girls elbow for nearly twenty minutes before realising my mistake. It's also a major reason that I have no desire to be young again. Anyway Miss Lawrence, good luck with any future balancing procedures. I'm thinking it may be as simple as tilting yourself slightly to one side.

I wonder if the slogan "Idle No More" will end up being no more than common signage encouraging car owners to shut off their motors in busy drive-thrus.

I wonder if I could successfully market a 'Bust Duster'? I'd be happy to get as far as trials and maybe a focus group.

For a long time I thought I could make a fortune with "Bachelor Cooking Made Easy', a hard shell VHS type package containing a can opener. But, technology has once again left me in its wake, with microwavable containers and pull back lids reigning supreme. This is akin to my Dad's misadventure when he financed  "Radio Dinners" in the early fifties.

I am agonizing over "in its wake" in the above paragraph. Should there be an apostrophe included with the word its? Where exactly should the little cashew be placed to be punctually correct? Will someone help me this? Anyone? The first five callers will receive a recorded message suggesting they get a life. Hee!

Today the American Football Championship will be played and a champion determined. In deference to current political correctness you will note that I do not refer to it as the Stupid Bowel or Stupid Bowl. I have decided to also ban Super Bowl for health and weight control reasons. I once timed an NFL game from the Two Minute Warning til the final gun...28 minutes. If only life really worked like that, huh?

If pro sports were sexual activity...which would most women prefer?

Baseball: Players are happy just getting to first base. (sigh)
Football: Average action lasts eight seconds (!)
Basketball: A man comes flying thru the air from a distance of fifteen feet for a slam dunk? (eek)
Hockey: Steady back & forth with fresh legs constantly driving the action every 40 seconds or so. (Hmm)

I saw a man outside a local butcher shop with a sign that read "Free Range Chicken!"
Naturally I popped in to grab one, but it turned out he was protesting. Sigh.

I once composed a piece called "The Song with No Name" but quickly realized my mistake.

The most important thing about learning good manners is remembering to use them.

Whenever I'm desperate for approval I use my bankcard...

I like asking the checkout people... "Before I press enter, could we have a quick prayer?"

You know something? It's easier to help a man up than it is to hold him down.

For Our Own Protection

I agree with the recent movement towards helmets for all bicycle riders, but I think they have not gone nearly far enough. Statistics have shown that far more people are injured while out walking or running, so I think helmets should be mandatory for all pedestrians. Furthermore, if one is planning on crossing an intersection during an outing, body armour should be mandatory as well. Hockey style shin guards and pants would also offer extra protection against collisions with sportier automobiles which tend to have a low slung profile which creates a lower point of impact. Estimates show that full protection, including steel-toed cross trainers, could easily be purchased for less than a thousand dollars. Better to lay out that cash than face a long weekend with a painful stubbed toe from a collision with a fire hydrant while texting.

Which leads me to another point.
Texting while walking is endangering more and more of our citizens daily. Although I don't think a total ban is yet in order (study results are pending), and while a switch to extra armoured protection while afoot would help prevent many of the more grievous injuries from stationary objects and moving vehicles, it would also reduce the number of bruised heads when two walking texters collide.

In several Scandinavian restaurants forks are now banned, a legislation we should consider here in North America. Diners whose forks collided when reaching for more of the tables entree dished were suffering puncture wounds at an alarming rate as one fork would slide down the shat of another and impale the hands of ones companion. Experiments with handle guards showed some improvement in the hand injuries, but an escalation in forearm lacerations. So spoons are the only utensils provided, and all food servings must be be carved into bite sized pieces before being presented at the table. Good thinking, Scandinavia!

Invariably, every long weekend here in Canada leads to a spike in gas prices at the pump. The hue and cry from consumers has fallen upon uncaring ears for decades now. Everyone bemoans the greed of the oil companies and the collusion of governments and then heads to the pump to fill up. I propose a radical but incredibly simple solution. Let's not tell them when the long weekends are! We can use a covert underground network to move them about willy-nilly and do our holiday travelling before they get wise to the fact that we not coming in on say...Monday, Sept 15th. It will be our new Labour Day weekend, and may appear at any time the next September! All the tall foreheads from the oil companies may not even catch on since they will be out at their cottages or jetting to the Bahamas. Why I am not Prime Minister is beyond me.

All this concern about greedy NHL owners locking out players every few years could be handled easily by a massive fan withholding of ticket and merchandise purchases until all 27 owners suit up and play a seven game full contact series against some team of beer league thugs. Bettman would have to play as well. Dressing so many players would obviously be necessary as injuries to the owners squad could well be a factor in a long series. An unlimited number of oil company executives and politicians could be allowed as injury substitutes.

And that's all I have to say about that<> Forrest Grump

Victoria Day in Dryden.

We just finished our annual tribute parade to Queen Victoria. Starting from the heart of the financial sector, (the paper mill parking lot) we sat many cushions high in a double wide four seater baby carriage which was pulled by a team of four reluctant goats. We traditionally commence by making our parade route thru the 'closed for the holiday' downtown business section. We thought this closure would help deter any traffic snarls and help to prevent any parade watchers from being pushed to the street by surging onlookers lined along the way. Despite dwindling attendance, the several people we waved to seemed amused. We havae always felt that the less fortunate sections of the city also deserve to share in the joy and excitement of a regal procession passing by their homes, so we make a point to help the royal goats (temp) navigate the carriage over the railway tracks and into the heart of the North Side. It is usually very tough getting all four goats back out of the North Side safely. Again this year we are saddened to report that two of them were poached by some young ruffians disguised as starving single mothers and it would appear they have pulled us in their last parade.
We are uncertain as to why this rolling pageant honouring the greater glory of the British Empire does not seem to resonate with the locals. Beyond the one year in which we encouraged all to join the Queens' Parade and were followed by a troupe of young men dressed as Vegas showgirls, inevitably we are the sole feature. (Admittedly viewing attendance was up considerably from most years when the showgirls joined in.) But for Queen and Country and Commonwealth, we shall resolutely dust off the baby carriage, rent some fresh goats, and continue this tradition again next year. Long live the Queen.

Out like a lion

It's snowing right now-great horking white art works in an unusual hurry to reach their doom on the wet ground. I swear I can hear the flakes sizzle when they hit the puddles.
It has been unreasonably mild here lately, most of the ground cover snow is gone, and shorts have even been spotted on the locals. Without a doubt, this part of the globe is warming. I may cancel my five year long campaign to empty a dozen aerosols into the air every Friday. Yes, this feels about right. Now-what do I do with 1300 empty cans?
I woke up after a mere two hour sleep-just as I landed a solid left hook to my clock radio. The thing tumbled down from my nightstand (a Wally World shoe rack...four shelves) onto the bed, glanced off my skull and fell into the crack between the bed and the wall. It's still there. Don't ask. I have to admit it was one hell of a punch. Also...any ideas regarding the removal of a cat from a ceiling? (I definitely should have trimmed her claws.) Well, at least the rifle misfired. (In my dream.)
Brackets usually serve me as either an explanation or an apology. (Sorry...thought I should clear that up)
It occurs that I have not blogged for quite some time. To all my grateful subscribers I offer a hearty 'you're welcome!' I think it's good sometimes to take a break and see other people...as long as things don't get serious. The last thing I want to hear again is that most horrible of all conversations. "I'm sorry Byron. It's not me...it's you!"
For the last few mornings there has been a murder of crows hanging about in the trees across the lane...their caucous rowing a small nuisance in a world where some city worker fires up a chipping machine by 8:00 am around to the front of the building.
I just heard a 'thud' from the bedroom. Kitty must have let go. Oh well, she has a benign nature I can easily sooth even further with a special kitty breakfast. Maybe tuna juice as an appetizer....I think albacore might be called for...then maybe a fish stick and some chocolate cake. Oops, I'm out of Ketchup...better nix the chocolate cake. She is a connisseur of dangerous foods. Her one quirk seems to be that she will only eat dry cat food if I paste a dog's picture on the box. She obviously has some issues. Pre-owned pet purchasing is always a risk.

Good heavens! I just had a violent sneezing fit where every outburst was accompanied by a drum roll fart! What does it mean? Is my body abandoning ship?
Sigh...just when you think you are in touch with something, eh?

I have a big day planned. Going to lift the lid on the piano and see if the sunlight glinting off the keys later doesn't remind that it's there. My 'to do list' has a note to 'write the greatest song ever'...Un hunh.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to explain to somebody why you are a Leaf fan? Last night they were officially eliminated from playoffs for the seventh straight season. No one wants to hear me lament the fact tho...even my shrink just has me stand in the doorway these last few years. Hee...that's funny!
I better try getting some more sleep...it's almost time to get up.

How are you?

"How's your health?"
I get that from folks a fair bit. I usually lie and change the subject over to them.
"I'm good. How are you?"
Quite effective really as most people would rather talk about themselves than about me.
I appreciate their inquiries of course, but deflecting them elsewhere is much easier than sitting through all the free advice if I get specific about how I am feeling. Even worse, I am liable to be hearing about how they share the same ailment, or have a cousin who went through the same thing.
For instance, should I offer...
"If I have a deep yawn I nearly pass out cold."

This leads to...

>"Oh, my cousin Cheryl suffered from that for years. She discovered that yawning while laying down really helped."
>"I had that for years til I started chewing iodine tablets just before bedtime. It has to be the tablets though, not the capsules. Dried seaweed is really good too...if you can get it fresh."
>"That's from the smoking Byron, and losing some weight wouldn't hurt either."
>"My Doctor says to yawn with your mouth closed but be careful to open it if you feel the pressure in your eardrum is about to explode and shatter something...because it is."
>"Really? My neighbour two houses down never yawns, but I think he's foreign."

Sigh...
The irony here is these conversations quickly tend to make me yawn, and I risk a fall.
You can see where a quick "How are you?" is the wisest response.

The other day I had it in mind to walk about downtown wearing a sandwich board that said...
"Give me $45,000.00 and I will leave this town."
A good friend talked me out of it...then asked how I was feeling. Can you guess how I answered?

I suppose one day I should answer truthfully.
I could tell them that my feet are starting to long for socks again, both knees are being recalled, my hips no longer swivel, my waist is just a memory and I have no lap and I could use a good sports bra and I drool at night and my hair is yellowing and my eyes are watery and I have a chin collection and I have no idea where my center of gravity is and my back screams profanities at me for most of the day and my idea of a long walk is about a hundred feet and my blood pressure is controlled by three pots of strong coffee a day and my singing voice has the same range as Audrey Hepburns' and it would probably only take a good or bad cold to kill me and I seem to forget my laundry downstairs all the time and I get a cart at Safeway even if I am buying stamps and take a snack break going up a flight of stairs and I reach in my wallet for the exact change in checkouts and my favourite tee shirts are now obscene looking tank tops and I toot and whistle just sitting down and by the way...how are you?

My Christmas Stocking

I guess I would be regarded as one of the poor souls who is subject to loneliness and depression during Christmas, but this year that characterization does not ring true.
Admittedly, the previous five years have found me in a dark struggle with the negative elements associated with this wonderful commemoration, and it may be I have been blessed as well to come out of each one relatively safe and sound mentally. However, these last few weeks through Advent and particularly the last two days I have been calm and content.
Comfortable might even be the best descriptive.
In the recent past I have joined the churchgoers for services where candles blaze and carols abound, been the token lonely single guy at holiday meals, you know...the one who arrives early and leaves late but always leaves, sat in agonized sadness over what Steve B. calls the 'wounds I have made', been burdened by the state of mankind, been one who lashes out over the mostly self-imposed circumstances that have left me alone in the season of hope, been more and more depressed with each cheery phone call I made or received and every smiling handshake I have shared.
Okay...before we all start to think of hanging ourselves, let me tell you about this Christmas.

I have spent this year in reflection of God. I have followed the Advent calender for the first time ever. With the exception of one Advent service, I have stayed home...not even joining the services of Eve or Morning. I even skipped the Queens message. I gave very few gifts and they were modest to say the least.

Now here's the thing...this whole time I have been showered by intimate love and overwhelming kindness.
These incredible gifts have come from my God and Saviour and one of his creations...a woman. Neither has been here in body yet both have been abundantly here in spirit. Certainly there is a good argument that it is all God's work...including the woman...and of course I would second that proposition. And no doubt it is the Holy Spirit alive in me that is a major contributer to my happiness, making me understand such love so freely given and able to accept it and return it in kind. These two loves, both earthly and divine, have fashioned an island of contentment. An island the three of us share. A place where I want for nothing and the storms of life and thought do not reach me. I feel as swaddled as a new born baby. For days I have not needed to think of this world, only rest in the warmth inside me and the love that keeps it there. It has been days since I ventured out. I have been alone and never alone. Yes, there is good work to do, but for now I am content and happy.
It may be the calm before the storms, but I am surely able to weather them after this wonderful period in my life. I am comfortable being me...right here, right now...in this very moment. Praise God for entering my life. Praise God for bringing Lois into my life. Let's face it...it's all God.

Get thee behind me...(Observations)

Once again maybe it's just me, but...

I would rather have Satan in front of me where I can see what he's up to.

Why would people in glass houses keep stones around?

If you look closely you can clearly see moss on Keith Richards.

Long distance love assures unwanted pregnancy. (New England Journal of Medicine)

A stitch in time won't even stop a cheap watch. You will need at least eight more.

Hearing loss is the greatest single factor in preserving marriages. (NEJOM)

The average 60 yr. old Volvo is in the same shape as the average 30 yr. old Canadian.

Smokers are a dying breed.

Apathetic owls really don't give a hoot.

Living hand to mouth leads to living wrist to mouth which leads to forearm to mouth etc...

Most hamsters are addicted to endorphins.

Dream girls have been proven to be the cheapest dates. (NEJOM)

One Holy Night won't get 'er done.

While the cat's away the mice will play...baseball.

Eating one bad apple can save a whole bunch.

Telling certain South Seas women you can hold your breath for twenty minutes is senseless.

Whale watchers are contributing to their declining birth rate.

A true back seat driver will be pulled over on average...four times a day.

SEX is the best medicine, laughter is great if things don't go well. (NEJOM)

The great white bears migrating south have turned out to be Bi-Polar.

Anyone considering marriage should be committed.

A rose by any other name is still a flower.

'Its bark is worse than its bite' applies to all trees.

Is letting sleeping dogs lie teaching them the wrong thing?

Even nine lives won't help most cats outlive a teenager.

Apologizing beforehand is not considered effective foreplay. (NEJOM)

My average blog takes one pot of coffee.