For Our Own Protection

I agree with the recent movement towards helmets for all bicycle riders, but I think they have not gone nearly far enough. Statistics have shown that far more people are injured while out walking or running, so I think helmets should be mandatory for all pedestrians. Furthermore, if one is planning on crossing an intersection during an outing, body armour should be mandatory as well. Hockey style shin guards and pants would also offer extra protection against collisions with sportier automobiles which tend to have a low slung profile which creates a lower point of impact. Estimates show that full protection, including steel-toed cross trainers, could easily be purchased for less than a thousand dollars. Better to lay out that cash than face a long weekend with a painful stubbed toe from a collision with a fire hydrant while texting.

Which leads me to another point.
Texting while walking is endangering more and more of our citizens daily. Although I don't think a total ban is yet in order (study results are pending), and while a switch to extra armoured protection while afoot would help prevent many of the more grievous injuries from stationary objects and moving vehicles, it would also reduce the number of bruised heads when two walking texters collide.

In several Scandinavian restaurants forks are now banned, a legislation we should consider here in North America. Diners whose forks collided when reaching for more of the tables entree dished were suffering puncture wounds at an alarming rate as one fork would slide down the shat of another and impale the hands of ones companion. Experiments with handle guards showed some improvement in the hand injuries, but an escalation in forearm lacerations. So spoons are the only utensils provided, and all food servings must be be carved into bite sized pieces before being presented at the table. Good thinking, Scandinavia!

Invariably, every long weekend here in Canada leads to a spike in gas prices at the pump. The hue and cry from consumers has fallen upon uncaring ears for decades now. Everyone bemoans the greed of the oil companies and the collusion of governments and then heads to the pump to fill up. I propose a radical but incredibly simple solution. Let's not tell them when the long weekends are! We can use a covert underground network to move them about willy-nilly and do our holiday travelling before they get wise to the fact that we not coming in on say...Monday, Sept 15th. It will be our new Labour Day weekend, and may appear at any time the next September! All the tall foreheads from the oil companies may not even catch on since they will be out at their cottages or jetting to the Bahamas. Why I am not Prime Minister is beyond me.

All this concern about greedy NHL owners locking out players every few years could be handled easily by a massive fan withholding of ticket and merchandise purchases until all 27 owners suit up and play a seven game full contact series against some team of beer league thugs. Bettman would have to play as well. Dressing so many players would obviously be necessary as injuries to the owners squad could well be a factor in a long series. An unlimited number of oil company executives and politicians could be allowed as injury substitutes.

And that's all I have to say about that<> Forrest Grump