The Struggle for the Center

In terms of emotional well being, if you picture a pendulum at rest, that is what I consider the center. If the pendulum is swinging to its two extremities, I would characterize them as euphoria on the one side, and total depression at the opposite. The center then, is the ideal. While allowing for minor swings either way, it offers a relatively quick return to the stable inert balance in the middle, which curiously can be described as the "at rest" position.
I spent several decades drinking and taking drugs to swing the pendulum to the high side of euphoria, but the swing back resulted in me being sent well into the opposite side of depression. Today, I am not convinced that the violent motion ever stopped over those many years. When I was feeling at peace, it was inevitably when I was medicated with pot, or had just the right combination of pot and booze to have me feeling terrific about life. And as much as these moments were a reality, I was not fully relishing the moment, but focusing on the next drink or toke, thinking how much better the feeling was going to get as the intake escalated..with each boost leading to the next boost...like a series of prize concealing doors that stretched endlessly into my imagination heightening every sensory input, each conversation, every sexual encounter, even a quiet hour in a cabin before a crackling fireplace....any moment could be still be enhanced.
Those times were oh so fine and sensual and pleasurable to be sure, but something else was going on.
The brain forms its own relationship with all this intake, and develops an agenda that is far more insidious than we suppose. It cries out for more. Much more. Eventually it wants it all, until even it cannot handle the substances and has to shut itself down by way of unconsciousness. This pattern is certainly not the way it starts out, but develops over time until one bottle is not as much fun as two which is not as much fun as three and so on. What is left unsaid is there are never enough bottles/drugs/sexual adventures etc to satisfy the craving and the only real reward the mind leads you to is the oblivion of unconsciousness. And just as you enter that state of being, the pendulum of the brain and body's desires is centered...at rest. It is a false victory, but nonetheless feels like a victory.
But what of the soul? Is it at the mercy of sensual pleasures and stimulant intake too? Does it in fact obey the demands and commands of the body, including the brain? Is it content with the denial of reality that this incurs?
Of course not...
I think my soul abandoned my physical body for a very long time. It hovered about me as I dined with the demons, as if knowing its' very preservation required it to keep a distance or be lost, yet always waiting for me to show some sign of a struggle against the forces that had taken over my life. And when I took that first step, my soul was suddenly with me again and has remained constant as I have suffered the swinging pendulum.
I also believe that the soul is not ours...it belongs to a power far beyond this earth. It is the thing that gives us life here and now and hereafter. We must learn to listen to it or perish on this earth. It gives us the pure knowledge of right and wrong, and this truth directs us to a life we know is good. Call it what you will...the soul, the spirit, the core, the conscience...it is what leads us away from the beast which we still have inside our intuitive brains. And it is this very beast that seduces us with the falsehood of more is better, unconcerned over the cost or the outcome.
Feed the soul, not the beast, and you will find yourself at rest in the center more often than you ever thought possible.
Perhaps we shall speak of these things again....