Let the Truth be Known

There is no such thing as a bacon fish, although just yesterday I convinced a three year old that there is.
There is no such thing as Absorbine Senior, (only available in Canada), although my gal in the States was almost sold for a fleeting moment during a conversation about her aches and pains.
There is no such thing as Eider-Up, that being the downy soft underbelly feathers of waterfowl that fly upside down, and much sought after by those seeking the softest pillow in creation.
There are no barking spiders in the nation. The noise long attributed to them is the simple emission of methane from the rear region of the average Canadian male.
Although they may be known as tampons, they are actually tamped in, or so I am told. And pulling the string in curling has nothing to do with this product or the Scott's Tournament of Hearts, that near hysterical shriekathon which graces the television screens for a week every winter.
Biggar, Saskatchewan promotes itself as bigger than New York city, but trust me it isn't.
Canadians always agree on the time of day when they meet each other...eg.
Greeting: "Morning." Response: "Morning!"
Greeting: "Afternoon." Response:"Afternoon!"
Greeting "Evening." Response: "Evening!"
Yes, Canadians are a polite lot, even apologizing long before there is a need. I used to say "I'm sorry" to my last wife several times the moment she awoke, figuring to get a jump on the day's exchanges. I would sometimes toss in a few "Yes, dear's" and "You're right's" as well.
I would introduce my first wife as my "first wife", and the irony of it is not lost on me.
I used to slay my teen-aged son and his friends with my own tee shirt phrases. Their favourite?
"Grandma went to Hawaii and all I got was this lousy hickey!"
I heard of a local band named "The Sweater Kittens". Best name I've heard in years.
I have it on good authority that there are no drive-thru cereal chains in the States.
I think there should be a reality show where contestants present their ideas for yet another reality show, and I wouldn't watch that one either.
I boycotted the sleazy contest to compose Hockey Night in Canada's new theme despite my personal dream to write the great Canadian hockey song. Call me unpatriotic, but I abhor Stompin' Tom's tune. It should only be used the next time the Leafs win the Stanley Cup. That way I am assured of being free of it for my lifetime.
I wrote a screenplay entitled "The Pass."...and so far everyone has taken one.
If anyone ever accuses me of plagiarism my reply will be. "Oh yeah! Well I've heard that before too!"
Sorry...